There was a time when I relied on other people for my emotions... a time when how I believed someone else felt about me dictated how I felt about myself. I would do almost anything to get other people to like me... occasionally things that in retrospect I might be ashamed of (if I decided to buy into regret). My moods would fluctuate hourly, based on what I got out of the last person I talked to, or how I rehashed the interaction of them or someone else through my head. If it came out well, I was proud of myself, and felt good about myself... if it was bad, or even if I was unsure about it so I was afraid it was bad, I would beat myself up about it and make myself feel miserable... then fall all over myself trying to somehow make it up to them or get them to do something that would change my perception of how they felt about me... because until I thought they liked me, I couldn't like myself.
In the last few years this has changed for the most part. I've managed to accept that everyone is NOT going to like me... and they're not always going to like the things that I say. I've come to the realization that if I don't get that someone likes/loves/craves/seeks me, nothing has really changed except my impression of that moment with that person. I've noticed that spending all of my time thinking about those moments that bothered me doesn't actually change anything about those moments, but in fact just makes me more and more and more angry/frustrated/mad/paranoid about something that might not actually be a big deal to begin with.
I still wear my emotions on my sleeve... anyone can tell how I feel just by looking at me... but even more so now because I'm not afraid of how they feel about me because of those emotions. It's not that I feel like it's their job to accept and deal with my emotions or opinions... but at the same time, it's not my job to try to feel the way they want me to feel.
There's still an issue of appropriateness... if I'm angry at someone, their wedding is probably not the right place to blow up at them... this is an issue of dignity, class, style, decorum... but at some point it's my responsibility to myself to decide if I'm okay with ignoring it or if I need resolution on it.
This runs the risk of creating a lot of impasses, I know... that neither of us has a responsibility to make the other one happy... but this is where compromise and caring comes in... when we listen and try to understand each other... where honesty and truth and self-reflection come into play.
My point is, I wish more people in the world could find a way to stop riding the roller coaster of thought... to be happy with themselves even if another person isn't... to not spend hours and hours getting more and more angry at a situation that is really only a figment of their imaginations.
There are so many people I know that would be so much happier...
WOW I so don't talk on here anymore... real life seems to always prevent success in a virtual life... for me, anyway.
If you're a Facebook fan, this is old news... but I'm officially relationship'd... things are going well overall. He's not getting laid as often as he'd like... but what can I say? I'm old and fat... :P (feel free to spare me the "you're not fat crap"... you don't see me naked... you don't know. :P)
Because of this, I almost never go on A4A/MH anymore... in part because it bothered him... but more because as things have gotten stronger in the relationship, the desire/interest is almost completely gone. The only time it comes up is when I'm traveling... but that's because it gave me something that pretended to be a social life, which is kinda lacking when you're never at home. I have a few FANTASTIC friends I hang with... but that's pretty much it. Otherwise, I'm just not home enough to nurture true friendships. Even my family schedules time with me a month in advance.
Anyway, I kinda miss the hookup sites... but at the same time, I don't want to lead anyone on... and I REALLY don't want the temptation that comes with actually meeting someone... especially some hot-but-crazy 19yo that falls in love after "hello". Yeah... not down wit dat. There's also the minor ego boost... but at this point with my lack of gym time for the past 2 years it's pretty much false advertising anyway. I really should just bite the bullet and cancel the memberships.
Okay... time to get pretty and go tell my customer how messed up they are. Good times.
How much could I pay to watch a public stoning of various levels of airport staff?
I was released from a job in Phoenix early... so I figured I could get a standby flight. No problem... My flight is at 5:00pm, and there appears to be a standby flight at 11:24am. PERFECT! ...no bags to check... I could just walk into the gate. it's 10:45 now... gotta rush...
United ticket chick says its not their flight... It's a US Airways flight... sure... they codeshare all the time... but they won't put me on that flight because they would lose revenue. But wait... if you pay us $75 to print a REAL ticket (as opposed to an e-ticket), US Airways will take that as payment. Do that? Pay $75? SURE! She even checked US Airways
10:55... hopping on the shuttle to get 2 terminals down... still 30 minutes to flight... I can TOTALLY make it... security line is short... walk up to the counter...
11:01... "Oh... I'd love to put you on the flight... but our computers lock us out of the check-in process 30 minutes before departure... and the flight's not late. I can't put you on it. Sorry!"
11:15... "Well... we can put you on the 1:55pm... sorry... no... we won't refund the $75... thats money in our pocket and we don't care enough about you.
11:20... "TSA doesn't allow bottles larger than 3oz for carry-on... yours are 3.3oz... do you want to check your bag or would you like me to throw away your $30 in skin and haircare product?"
I KNEW I should have flown southwest...
....so perfect... and OMG so hot... ;)
I think I'm finally ready to admit that I'm lonely.
Not in the "I need more friends" way... I'm good there (and I love all of you :))... but in the boyfriend fashion.
I've started hooking up a lot more lately... what I realize is an attempt to quickly satisfy a desire that can't be satisfied quickly. Looking for someone to cuddle with, kiss, have comfortable, uncomplicated, non-marathon sex with, feel pressed against me while I sleep... someone I don't have to work to impress... but is impressed by how little I try.
It's been over 3 years since my last heart-wrenching experience... a wound that still affects me today... and may preclude me from accepting something that may be worth accepting... but at this point, it'd be nice to find something... even if for a while.
I'm totally okay with me... I'm doing fairly good things... but there's that human tug for companionship that's hard to ignore sometimes...
I've never liked Clint Eastwood. Memories of stupid westerns (a genre I've never enjoyed anyway) are probably the seed for this issue, but at this point I see nothing redeeming about him or anything that has to do with him. There's something to be said about not liking someone so much that you don't even like them enough to give them the chance to like them more.
Yet, I was bored... and Rotten Tomatoes (and several other sites) have had good things to say about Gran Torino. So I went. Ugh...
This is really one of the best movies ever. You spend half of it conflicted as to whether you hate him and walk out or stick around to hate him more. The other half you can't help but continue to love/hate him because of who he is and who he becomes. There's a lot of revelations that go on in this movie... and Eastwood deserves all of the credit... Written By, Directed By, Starring... but it works, and it's all because of him.
Go see it. It's "serious" but you spend half your time laughing at it. It's not what you think it is. Really. Go. Seriously.
No... I mean like now. Go. Stop reading and go. :)
You think you've had spaghetti? You decide to make "good" pasta and buy the "fresh" stuff from the fridge case at the store?
You have no idea what you're missing. :)
Making completely, straight-up, 100%, kneaded-and-pressed pasta tastes completely different than anything you can buy in a store. You keep trying to figure out what they talk about when they say "al dente"... that it should have a bite... so you undercook the boxed pasta because otherwise it just tastes... gummy.
Al Dente is ONLY truly possibly with fresh pasta... pressed right there... made by hand. It has a resistance... a springiness... a tooth and texture to it... that you just can't get any other way.
It's truly a different and amazing experience. :)