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Sex for Free? - The highs and lows of KuteLuvr

About Sex for Free?

Previous Entry Sex for Free? Dec. 27th, 2008 @ 10:13 pm Next Entry
Not being burdened with a relationship, I occasionally find myself wanting to get laid. As in, have quick, easy, uncomplicated sex, with someone I like at least enough to want to have sex with. Someone that is really just looking for pretty much the same, isn't going to judge me, and isn't going to make it turn into something more.

...and yet, when such an opportunity stares me in the face, I question it. Directly. "What does this person want that makes them willing to give up their ass so freely?" 

I mean... I'm okay in bed... but it's not like I'm Good Luck Chuck or have the ability to provide continuous spontaneous orgasms or anything... so I'm left wondering what the other person is getting out of it.

Is "Free Love" really free? ...have I become so much of a cynic that I can't accept exactly what I want without wondering what it's going to cost me later? ...or is looking a gift horse in the mouth a good idea when it's hollow and made of wood?
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From:markormarky
Date:December 28th, 2008 06:41 am (UTC)
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they find you hot so wish to be naked and intimate with you, isn't it that simple at the outset in a case like the one you propose? :-) as you, them. but sex is really a very complex event, whether that is acknowledged or not, and you both know there is no real predicting where it could go, and what conflicts may arise.

more and more i believe life is ABOUT tension. you are acknowledging this; you are the dude with cake on his face (which is a great metaphor and very appealing, imo).
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From:kuteluvr
Date:December 28th, 2008 07:45 am (UTC)
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I suppose you're right... but the issue is that I very much DON'T want it to go anywhere. I mean, having a great fuckbuddy that is truly no strings attached would be great... someone I actually find hot and that likes what I do and I like what they do... but it almost always does go somewhere... and I'm usually incapable of ignoring that and ignoring their feelings in the process. I'm selfish... but I don't like hurting people.

re: the cake... thanks. :) It's one of my favorite pictures :)
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From:jeffercine
Date:December 28th, 2008 08:19 am (UTC)
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might i suggest finding a f-buddy that is already in a relationship? like an open relationship, so there's no chance of it going much further? then it truly is just about the sex? just a thought, since that's what we've found mostly with other people. although wen people do want more it has it's issues.
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From:kuteluvr
Date:December 28th, 2008 03:50 pm (UTC)
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yeah... there's a couple I've been talking to and we seem to get along really well... though we haven't done anything like that. It's possible we never will. One issue here is that I have this unusual separation of friends vs. "interests", and I do my best to keep the two separate. One of the odd side effects of this is that if I get to a point where I actually like people to the point of calling them friends, I usually lose sexual interest in them. With regard to this couple, the more we chat, the more I like them, and the less likely something is to happen.

I know... I'm a freak. :P
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From:soundofthemoon
Date:December 28th, 2008 05:27 pm (UTC)
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I think there's a limited shelf-life for fb type relationships. Usually they either go somewhere or they peter out. If you spend enough time with someone doing something you both like, you're either going to find out you like each other or you don't. And sex with someone tends to get boring after a while, and unless you're really good at mixing things up to keep it interesting or it's part of something else (like a romantic or friendly relationship), then you're both going to want to move on eventually.

I had a fantastic fb a few years ago. We both said it was the best sex either of us had ever had, and it went on for a few months, 3-5 times a week. Not really sure what killed it (though it might have been Valentine's Day), but it went from wow to zero in under a week. We ended on good terms though so I don't have to feel bad about still lusting for him.

So I guess I'm saying what you want is really hard to get and to keep it going for more than a short while. If you don't want to pay the price of maintaining a relationship, you're not going to get the benefits.
From:chargerboy
Date:December 28th, 2008 11:35 am (UTC)
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Maybe just tell them up front what you are looking for. Sure it might be a bit of a boner kill at the time but it might save you some grief later on down the line. I've been in the same boat and that's worked for me in the past. :)
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From:huckie
Date:December 28th, 2008 08:41 pm (UTC)
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Wow. Way to over-think it. ;-) I think that most people, whether they admit it or not, occasionally want to have quick, easy, uncomplicated sex. Sometimes, you're just horny and it's all about the cock/ass depending on whether you are a top/bottom. And in this city of mostly bottoms, you don't have to be a stellar top, but to be a great top, you just have to be able to get it up and act like you want it. srsly.

However, what the others have said is pretty true. While one night might really be no strings, it's hard to keep a fb going. Eventually it's going to get boring or become too involved for one or both people. I think that's what you are actually describing in your post, a fear of having to deal with the fb relationship when it eventually becomes uncomfortable.

jeffercine has a good suggestion, find a fb who is already part of a couple, and no, that is not the same as "find a couple." If an fb already has a bf, then you know what you have is most likely not going anywhere on his part. He's really just there for the sex because maybe his bf has a low sex drive or is only a bottom or travels a lot or whatever. So then, all you have to worry about is yourself.

Or, just be a top, and do the boys until they get whiny, then blow them off. It will only make them want you more. lol
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From:kuteluvr
Date:December 29th, 2008 07:24 am (UTC)
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I overthink everything :P

...and btw... have you ever noticed that the bottoms think that there aren't enough tops, and the tops think there aren't enough bottoms? :P We should all start sharing friends and work around this problem :P
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From:huckie
Date:December 29th, 2008 09:33 am (UTC)
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I've never heard anyone say, there's not enough bottoms in SF. lol
From:letenant
Date:December 29th, 2008 12:18 am (UTC)

Simply Sex?

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To my sense of it, Markormarky has it right. It's never simple. Your own comment on the phenomenon of being connected enough to see them as friends can kill the desire has long puzzled me.

Huckie does have a point on the ecology of it. If you're horny and in the zone of appeal for enough of the population, you should be able to scratch your itch readily enough. The long term question is if that will become a habit.
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From:kuteluvr
Date:December 29th, 2008 07:29 am (UTC)

Re: Simply Sex?

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markormarky is right... it's never as simple as it could be... but I would say things are also rarely as complicated as I make them out to be (to huckie's point). :)

Ultimately, sex is a complicated issue. It always has some sense of emotion attached to it... and rarely (if ever) do two people's emotional states match exactly.

I'm also willing to acknowledge that I'm perhaps quirkier than most... or at least quirky in an unusual way... in my delicate balance between people I'll do and people I befriend (in reference to another comment you made elsewhere)... but find me a normal, well adjusted person anywhere, and I'll just point out how they just happen to be fucked up in ways that are compatible with your perspective. ;)
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From:huckie
Date:December 29th, 2008 09:35 am (UTC)

Re: Simply Sex?

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lust is a perfectly valid emotion to attach to sex sometimes. wait, lust is an emotion, right?
From:letenant
Date:December 29th, 2008 09:42 pm (UTC)

Compatibly Fucked-Up

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Thanks for that turn of phrase :) I think I was in my later 20's when I reached the point of relaxing some about the circumstances where I'd be more comfortable playing with someone than "I think I love..."

In my own twisted perspective on living, I've come to call myself a kinky prude. I like to know the folks I bite and feel some connection beyond lust. Does it get complicated? Yes, but it seems to no matter how you slice it. complicated before, during or after. I'd prefer before. Fewer surprises.

Since I am 'burdened' with a relationship, some of this is adjusted :)
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