KuteLuvr (kuteluvr) wrote,

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There was a time when I relied on other people for my emotions... a time when how I believed someone else felt about me dictated how I felt about myself. I would do almost anything to get other people to like me... occasionally things that in retrospect I might be ashamed of (if I decided to buy into regret). My moods would fluctuate hourly, based on what I got out of the last person I talked to, or how I rehashed the interaction of them or someone else through my head. If it came out well, I was proud of myself, and felt good about myself... if it was bad, or even if I was unsure about it so I was afraid it was bad, I would beat myself up about it and make myself feel miserable... then fall all over myself trying to somehow make it up to them or get them to do something that would change my perception of how they felt about me... because until I thought they liked me, I couldn't like myself.

In the last few years this has changed for the most part. I've managed to accept that everyone is NOT going to like me... and they're not always going to like the things that I say. I've come to the realization that if I don't get that someone likes/loves/craves/seeks me, nothing has really changed except my impression of that moment with that person. I've noticed that spending all of my time thinking about those moments that bothered me doesn't actually change anything about those moments, but in fact just makes me more and more and more angry/frustrated/mad/paranoid about something that might not actually be a big deal to begin with.

I still wear my emotions on my sleeve... anyone can tell how I feel just by looking at me... but even more so now because I'm not afraid of how they feel about me because of those emotions. It's not that I feel like it's their job to accept and deal with my emotions or opinions... but at the same time, it's not my job to try to feel the way they want me to feel.

There's still an issue of appropriateness... if I'm angry at someone, their wedding is probably not the right place to blow up at them... this is an issue of dignity, class, style, decorum... but at some point it's my responsibility to myself to decide if I'm okay with ignoring it or if I need resolution on it.

This runs the risk of creating a lot of impasses, I know... that neither of us has a responsibility to make the other one happy... but this is where compromise and caring comes in... when we listen and try to understand each other... where honesty and truth and self-reflection come into play.

My point is, I wish more people in the world could find a way to stop riding the roller coaster of thought... to be happy with themselves even if another person isn't... to not spend hours and hours getting more and more angry at a situation that is really only a figment of their imaginations.

There are so many people I know that would be so much happier...
Tags: psych

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