For those that are unaware, Cornstarch and water is an amazing mix... (viscous is the correct term, I believe)... and somehow, the harder you push, the more it resists you. if left to itself, it flows like a nice, smooth gel... but try and force it this way or that, and it'll turn to a solid brick wall breaking rather than comply.
Well... I tried to have the "I don't think we should see each other anymore" conversation... and in the end, I couldn't do it. My steam engine at 80mph ran into a tunnel full of cornstarch and water. And what do you think the cornstarch was? Him? No... it was me. I was fighting myself. Ultimately, most of the issues that form stem from my own insecurities... insecurities around infidelity, which you could argue shouldn't apply since we have no committment to each other, but that's exactly the reason they DO apply... insecurities around him losing interest in me... around me "not being good enough" (my shrink is working on that one, thanks)... funny enough... fun enough... stable enough... party enough.. etc. So, the conversation went from me being strong and feeling a sense of conclusion and resolution... to me apologizing for being such a spaz and wondering if he'll still want to keep me. (words paraphrased, ownership not implied :P).
The turning point was simple: I realized that I was drawing my conclusions based on what I THOUGHT he would feel if I expressed what I thought I needed. If I said I needed to hear from him more, then I was needy... and nobody wants to be with someone that's needy. If I expressed a disinterest or discontent with certain aspects of his life, then he'd say that we're not sufficiently bound for him to change anything for me, and I would agree... etc., etc. So it was easier for me to draw my own conclusions and throw it away on my terms than to give him the opportunity to tell me something different. I was making his decisions for him without giving him the information to draw his own conclusions, and that's not fair.
So the outcome for me at the moment is that I need to be clear about what's at issue for me... what's not feeling good, and what is... and let him make his own decisions. Maybe he'll say there are some things he's been thinking about anyway... maybe he'll say that i'm worth making some minor changes for, even at this early stage... and yes, maybe he'll say that he doesn't want or feel the need to change something, and then I'll have to make a decision from there, or we'll meet in the middle somewhere... but ultimately, he needs to be given the opportunity. That's what it's about... communication... compromise... collaboration... and trust.
I'll find the time to do that today. I really do want everything to be okay... but he and I both need to be okay with it.