Experience vs. Openmindedness
Mar. 2nd, 2004 @ 12:23 pm
So, I have this little issue. It's that I rely an aweful lot on the things I've learned in my past experiences... and I think it's fairly normal. You learn at an early age that things that hot things burn, so you don't touch hot things. Pretty straightforward.
My issue is that this impacts a lot of my social experiences too. So, when a situation comes up that I feel experience in, I try to manage it... and the unfortunate people involved in it.
I've recently stopped seeing someone. This someone has a lot of cool friends that I'd honestly like to keep in contact with... but my experience is telling me that it's difficult to do this because A) without the "core" friend, it's difficult to find a context around which to build a friendship with the cool friend, B) the need to not mix me with the person I've stopped seeing creates a stupid drama circle that only contributes to the friend and I not building anything, and C) When I try and fabricate a friendship out of nothing, or try and maintain a friendship that isn't sufficiently strong after the core connection to that person is removed, I just end up feeling dumb.
So, the question is, when is it a good idea to override the experience that potentially protects you from difficulty, pain, or other negative issues that could arise in the hope that something good could actually come from it? How do you "love like you've never been hurt" when you've always been hurt before? How do you "Dance like nobody's watching" when people have always laughed at you before? How do you "sing like no one can hear" when people always seem to cover their ears?
At what point is it worth overriding your experience in the hope of something better? At what point does it make sense for some else to have to simply override your experience in some way?
My favorite Demotivator: Winners never quit, and Quitters never win... but those who never win and never quit are idiots.
it's something that comes from within. if you don't put yourself out there, you'll never know what could happen. [yes, this is vague and you could play devils advocate, as i would, but it's all i got right now.]
From what you wrote I think you're at least partly aware that lessons from experience are about survival. Experience is really good at keeping you from getting burned over and over. But what you're talking about isn't in the realm of survival, so experience isn't so helpful. I think mostly you just have to decide what your priority is. Is it more important to avoid burning your hand on the stove, or can you risk getting burned to cook something new and fabulous?
"Love like you've never been hurt" is a silly myth. If you've been hurt before, you know you can survive it and carry on, and don't need to worry about it as much. I've been hurt before, and I think it just makes the love I have now more precious. It's like seasoning on the cast-iron pan from previous meals that got a bit burnt. So much more flavorful than a brand new pan, and easier to cook on too. And sometimes it's worth it even when you know
you'll get hurt.
You think you're playing a game with set rules. But you can make them up as you go.
A very wise person told me not long ago that there are lots of examples of relationships that involve both change, hurt and transformation. A good example is a parent, who has to ween a child. The child may not understand what is happening and will feel hurt and abandoned, but then grows into the new paradigm. It is always tempting to avoid the hurt, but in so doing, you may also inadvertently avoid something wonderful to come.
My two cents. Stay with the new friends, deal with the feeling dumb, adjust, and grow.
|Date:||March 2nd, 2004 05:33 pm (UTC)|| |
People are complex systems ..
I don't know you well enough to respond to this, but that rarely stops me.
I don't think there's a "good" way to handle this sort of thing. You continue to see these people, and they make choices around seeing you that you interpret through your experience and social filters, etc. Eventually you get the sense for which of them would like to keep having you around, etc. Some of my best friends are people I've met through people I was seeing.
I do not believe in "love like you have never been hurt." Our hurt defines our love and makes it even more special and real when we do offer it. How do you do it? You simply do.
Don't override your experience, but consider it in context .. and go from there. Just because something has hurt us before does not mean it will hurt us again. Not everything is "hot!" .. some things are only dangerous when mishandled.
|Date:||March 5th, 2004 03:28 am (UTC)|| |
when dealing in situations like this, you really find out how truly small our community is. quite literally, everybody knows everybody else. if these people that you met are worth having as friends, they will look beyond the fact that you are no longer together with the common denominator that linked you. again, with as small as our community is, you will probably end up running into him in social situations on a fairly regular basis.
by the way, nice to finally make your acquaintance tonight.