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This was the moment that defines my Quarter-Life Crisis. Have you… - The highs and lows of KuteLuvr

About This was the moment that defines my Quarter-Life Crisis. Have you…

Previous Entry Apr. 8th, 2004 @ 09:02 am Next Entry

This was the moment that defines my Quarter-Life Crisis.


Have you ever had that moment...
that brief moment...
that moment of realization...
of perfect assuredness...
that

YOUR LIFE IS NOT WHAT IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE?

That one moment changes everything.  You look around you and you wonder where you are and what you're doing there.  You wonder who you're with, and what you're doing there.  You wonder who your friends are.  You wonder what you're wearing and how you look.  You wonder about your career, your money, your credit, your thoughts, your LIFE.

All the sudden, it's not what it was cracked up to be.

More than anything else you realize something has to change.  Everything has to change.  YOU have to change.

You examine the core of your life.  You figure out who you are.  You realize that you have the ability to be more than you are.  You don't know how, or what, but you know THIS IS THE WAY.

Suddenly, life opens it's hands to you and gives you one chance.  For the first time ever, the door is open and you can see it.  You've been locked in this room your entire life... it's all you know.

but now you know more.
you know about that door.
you know about the world outside of it.
...and you know you're suffocating in this little room.

You look at what you have and you look at what's outside that door.
You wonder...
You contemplate...
You think...
...and then you run.

You drop what you have in your hands.  You drop your friends.  You drop your cares.  You drop your worries.  You drop whatever is slowing you down.  And you run.

...and you're blinded by what you see...
...but you can breathe.
You adjust.
and you see that you are dirty.  Your clothes are tattered... your skin a dusty brown.  Your hair, a mess, mangled and intertwined.
Your thoughts are corrupt.
Your goals nonexistant.
Your hopes unachieveable.
You know it's time to cleanse yourself.
You shower.
You contemplate new ideas and directions.  You see new hopes and new aspirations.  You see new capabilities in yourself that you were blind to in that room.

And you learn who you are.
You learn to grow.
You repair your finances.
You repair your body.
You repair your friends.
You repair your mentality.
YOU REPAIR YOUR LIFE.

You look back at those poor, lost souls.  You see them stuck in that dark cell, looking for something that isn't there.
You wish you could help.
You wish you could make them see.
You wish you could show them what it is you know.
But they don't understand.

The weight of the things in their hands... the friends, the money, the drugs, the ruin... the prizes in the inneffectual life they've lived thus far prevents them from going through the door.  These things that you know matter so little, are too important for them to give up.

You endure their tormenting and anger at you for leaving them behind... but you know that some may join you someday.

You know that while those that hate you have that little room, you now have a new universe to explore and grow.

More than anything else, you know your lives must go on.

Maybe you'll meet some again.  Maybe they'll see the door.  Maybe they'll cross your path as they follow their own.

But no matter what, you must continue.  You must grow.  You must learn.  You must go on.
Your life must go on.
Life... must go on.
Chris Mullendore
August 7, 1999

(Nothing in my life that I have ever written or said or shared with anyone means more to me than this writing.  It is the moment that my life changed.  That I define myself as having grown up.  It's not perfect... but I'll never change it, and this transcribing is as true to the original as can be, including layout.)

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From:studlycaps
Date:April 8th, 2004 10:52 am (UTC)
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Looking back on your writing now, do these words mean the same thing to you as they did when you wrote them, or do they mean something totally different?

(Not meant to be a leading question, I'm just curious)
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From:kuteluvr
Date:April 8th, 2004 12:59 pm (UTC)
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I think they hold the same meaning to me now as they did when I wrote them... but that meaning is fixed in time. It's how I felt at that moment, and at that moment they were revolutionary to me and provided the means and justification for change. Today I would say that my view is a bit less extreme... but the things that I learned from that time in my life continue to affect me today. So to me, while I may not feel that the view that I put on at that moment is the same as today, it is still as impactful to me as a memory as it ever was.
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From:cekyr0
Date:April 8th, 2004 02:24 pm (UTC)
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an impressive moment sir. you have my admiration for having found your door
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