KuteLuvr (kuteluvr) wrote,

  • Mood:

Crunch, crunch, crunch

Well... it was bound to happen. After 2.75 months, Austin and I finally closed things on a crunchy note. Nobody's mad... nobody's yelling or any of that... but nobody really feels loved either. It's a combination of things, I think... sexual issues, antagonism, disregard, and annoyance multiplied exponentially by the frustration coming from the impact of all of the above added up to us just not meeting eye to eye.

As I'm thinking about it and writing it up, I can't help but think the issues are really all mine. We had a talk last night about control, competitiveness, and lots of other things. Ultimately, I wonder if perhaps the issues that need to be resolved are mine to deal with. He does have things that bug me... he can sometimes disregard me... has no concept of promptness... and gets annoyed with me when I get annoyed at him (such as when he yells some insanely rude or antagonistic statement from the window as we're driving by someone on the street). The truth is, in the right mood I'm game for that... or anything really... but it has to be the right mood. In the wrong mood, it's disrespectful, classless, mean, and just overall not something I really want to be associated with. However, I can be parental, competitive, and moody (see previous statement). Maybe the issues aren't "mine" but "ours"... and maybe we really need to talk about some of them when we're not coma-prone or drunk.

Despite the little inevitable issues, he's still one of the highest quality people I think I know... and that in itself puts me on guard. Can someone be "too perfect" (I think there's a SatC episode on that). I do feel like he's cuter than me, more outgoing than me, more "together" than me, has a better family and social life than me, does have a great (and sounds very interesting and fun) job... all kinds of things that ultimately spring my competitiveness.

At some point we just need to talk. We're getting to that point where we're not trying so hard and the real, unfiltered "us" is starting to come out... the part that doesn't hold back what's on the mind... and feels secure enough to not "try" so hard to keep the person you're with. A relationship isn't only defined by how it feels when it starts, but what it can retain, and what it can overcome. I'm more than certain we can overcome this, and we're retaining almost everything about "us" that we enjoy. This past 36 hours has just been a trying period... I'm sure the next time we see each other will be just fine.
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