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depression + depression = depression^2 - The highs and lows of KuteLuvr — LiveJournal

About depression + depression = depression^2

Previous Entry depression + depression = depression^2 Jul. 20th, 2004 @ 01:51 pm Next Entry
It's amazing how depression is self-fullfilling. If you feel depressed, you engage in activities that satisfy the momentary feeling of being depressed, but aren't really designed to make you feel better. Yet, you have no initiative to make yourself feel better. Ironically, friends that you talk to provide escape times from feeling depressed, but their helping only contributes to activities that only facilitate the depression.

For quite a period of time I was really, really happy... with everything in my life. That's when I moved to the city. Since then, any number of things have contributed to me being depressed. My return to drinking, smoking, parties, financial woes, etc., have all contributed to me not being happy with myself... so I do them more because I'm "depressed" or just simply not happy with myself, which only makes them feel worse. Ironically, I know these things, but have no initiative or drive in me to change them (or anything else).

Depression is an end unto itself. I know I can fix them. I know I have the power. I just don't have the energy.
Current Mood: blahblah
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Date:July 20th, 2004 03:31 pm (UTC)
Actually that's self-perpetuating, but you're totally right. Interstingly though, most "bad" behviors are downward spiral in nature. Happiness, on the other hand, that's truely self-fufilling. You can just will yourself to be happy and change or ignore the things making you unhappy. Just don't will yourself to be too happy or you'll end up like one of those satanic Amway people.
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Date:July 20th, 2004 03:55 pm (UTC)
here's something to be happy about... at least you're not living in Los Banos! ;)
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Date:July 20th, 2004 04:53 pm (UTC)
Isn't that depression * depression = depression^2?

With regard to doing perpetuating depressive activities, I tend to move outdoors when I feel like that. It tends to force me to be active or initiate in some form of activity that pulls me out of that funk. That, or just dancing. But that's just me :P
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Date:July 20th, 2004 08:21 pm (UTC)
Your math is correct... but it's the effect of the statement I think I was more going for... :)
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Date:July 21st, 2004 10:44 am (UTC)

it's all choice, darlin'...

Depression has definitely been the root of most of the party behavior in my life. I crave nothing more than the painful power that I feel when I'm high. I've lived through years of professional partying, and I still look back over my shoulder and wonder what I'm missing. Intellectually I know I've made the right decision by leaving that behind me, but it was touch and go there for awhile, with many many missteps.

> Ironically, friends that you talk to provide
> escape times from feeling depressed, but their
> helping only contributes to activities that
> only facilitate the depression.

If this is the case, you need to evaluate your friendships and question why you remain close to people that facilitate (perpetuate, really) negative party behavior and/or depression. When I left San Francisco, I shed about 85% of my friends. I have kept close contact with my closest party friends, but that's because our relationship went beyond the drugs. It took me years (three of them, really) to get to where I have friends and near-family up here in Sac.

My point here, and this is unsolicited advice so ignore as you will, is that you have the power to choose your friends and your behavior. When I've been depressed in the past it has almost always been because I have felt out of control in my life. When I'm not in control of who I am or what I'm doing, I hate myself and that's never pretty. Your mileage may vary -- we're different people -- but that's how it was for me, and still is.
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Date:July 21st, 2004 04:58 pm (UTC)

only you have the power

You seem to recognize that you have the power, an important corallary is that ONLY you have the power.

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