The longest weekend, and the longest day.
Dec. 9th, 2004 @ 10:44 pm
Happiness doesn't come without frustration, I guess. It's no surprise to some that Austin and I have been having our fair share of frustrations. It's not due to lack of conversation, but perhaps (as politely as possible) just simply personal differences.
Today was the first day that I think I've gone without talking to him since around the time that we started dating. We agreed after one wonderful day, and one horrible one on a mini-vacation to Carmel that we should "take some time off". Not break up, but just "time off"... which I still have to say is most frequently just a prelude to the end. It's weird how knowing there's distance and forcing yourself to deal with it can make you rethink so many things... the thoughts start flowing... "maybe I'm just being too picky"... "am I being assholeishly hypocritical?"... "it's not so bad"... and yet in my mind I know that recently I've spent a lot of my time wishing I we weren't together.
I do love the boy... but love ISN'T all you need, no matter how smart John Lennon is. You need consideration, trust, respect, and cooperation... and we're kinda lacking in those departments (some more than others)... for example, after almost 8 months, the "have you ever cheated?" question still lingers for both of us. A very large part of me wants everything to be okay... and is willing to just say "screw it all" and say that it IS okay... but that needy part isn't strong enough to override the part that firmly believes that after a while, all parts will be better off (including his).
FYI, I know I'm good at this... the hook boyfriend, then walk away hurt or causing hurt... so I'm not looking for sympathy... but just saying it kinda makes it feel a bit better. For the moment, just consider me a voice in a crowd that you don't even realize you're ignoring...
|Date:||December 9th, 2004 11:48 pm (UTC)|| |
no relationship is ever perfect, but if neither is willing to work at it....just be happy for the time that you had together. by the way, you are not a voice that is ignored. *hugs*
|Date:||December 9th, 2004 11:58 pm (UTC)|| |
Emotionally, we need: Security(trust...?), Freedom(have choices), Power(make decisions), Adventure(new things), Expansion(growth), Expression(saying something just to say it...), Exchange(cooperation), community(belonging to a group), and acceptance(consideration, respect).
I know from practical experience that all these needs can be met of oneself, by oneself. When that happens, one becomes the very epitome of self-confident.
This shouldn't be letting too many secrets out of the bag, and I hope it doesn't spoil any fun.
|Date:||December 15th, 2004 01:07 am (UTC)|| |
I don't know squat about relationships. I have a grey cat looking at me and I think that the depth of out relationship can be measured in the depth of the kibble in his bowl.
But I have friends that have had marriages break up. Short term and as long as 25 years. It isn't easy. It hurts all the players and bystanders.
What are your expectations? What are his expectations? Have you ben with someone else? If so, why? Excitement? Better sex? Adventure? To hurt him? I have no answer here, only questions.
Love is great, but it doesn't pay the rent. Getting along with a partner is primary. Love won't work if you can't stand the sight of her - or him. Cooperation, willingness to compromise on both little and big things, and most of all trust. With money, with feelings, with secrets. I would suggest that if there is something that you're not willing to share then that relationship may not be that enduring, undying thing that Paul spoke of in his letter to the Corinthians.
I have no answer here, only questions. My relationship with the cat is simple and basic: If he has kibble he is happy and affectionate. If the bowl is empty, he is pissed off at the world. If only real people were as easy to deal with.
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