KuteLuvr (kuteluvr) wrote,

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The longest weekend, and the longest day.

Happiness doesn't come without frustration, I guess. It's no surprise to some that Austin and I have been having our fair share of frustrations. It's not due to lack of conversation, but perhaps (as politely as possible) just simply personal differences.

Today was the first day that I think I've gone without talking to him since around the time that we started dating. We agreed after one wonderful day, and one horrible one on a mini-vacation to Carmel that we should "take some time off". Not break up, but just "time off"... which I still have to say is most frequently just a prelude to the end. It's weird how knowing there's distance and forcing yourself to deal with it can make you rethink so many things... the thoughts start flowing... "maybe I'm just being too picky"... "am I being assholeishly hypocritical?"... "it's not so bad"... and yet in my mind I know that recently I've spent a lot of my time wishing I we weren't together.

I do love the boy... but love ISN'T all you need, no matter how smart John Lennon is. You need consideration, trust, respect, and cooperation... and we're kinda lacking in those departments (some more than others)... for example, after almost 8 months, the "have you ever cheated?" question still lingers for both of us. A very large part of me wants everything to be okay... and is willing to just say "screw it all" and say that it IS okay... but that needy part isn't strong enough to override the part that firmly believes that after a while, all parts will be better off (including his).

FYI, I know I'm good at this... the hook boyfriend, then walk away hurt or causing hurt... so I'm not looking for sympathy... but just saying it kinda makes it feel a bit better. For the moment, just consider me a voice in a crowd that you don't even realize you're ignoring...
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