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What would be different this time?


Previous Entry What would be different this time? Dec. 15th, 2004 @ 04:08 pm Next Entry
Well... it's been exactly one week now that Austin and have been on our "break". It's been long enough that I've gone through the withdrawls of not having him here and have made it to the point where I start doing my own things again (I went to the gym yesterday and today... for having skipped it for 6 months, that's huge). I do still miss him... but the missing isn't debilitating anymore.

It also gives a chance to look at things with a bit more reality and a bit less emotional impact. I'm not mad anymore about what happened last week... I've gotten to the point where it's just a shoulder shrug of the "what'r ya gonna do" variety. I know he doesn't mean to be who he is... it's simply who he is, and he has to be that way because it's him. (that's actually a lot less confusing than it sounds). We've been talking about every other day... sending each other text messages... still saying "I love you". I like getting the notes and phone calls... as usual, it's nice to get the validation that he's going through the same stuff I am emotionally. Maybe.

The one thing that I can't escape is the idea that, if we do stay together, nothing is going to change. This isn't all precipitated by some single event... no one slept with anyone else... no one got hit... none of that. It's an ongoing thing about differences in personalities and perspectives... behaviors and beliefs. Truth is, it doesn't matter that someone's sorry... that's not going to change the real problem. It all devolves to the idea that nothing is going to change. Sure... we'll go through that short period of time when we're both trying hard to be nice... to do the right things... but as time goes on, that will fade and the old us will come back. Him being obnoxious and selfish... me being judgmental and self righteous. The situation is finished... but the real issues will linger on, despite them being momentarily obscured by extreme amounts of effort. It will all come back... it'll all be the same. People have to be who they are... if they're going to be happy, there really isn't another choice.

So, I'll ask him that exact basic question next time we talk... "What's going to change?". My $5 says we'll give it another attempt, and still break up a short while later. Half of it will be because it was bound to happen... the other half will be because I'll be looking for it. I've seen the pattern... I know what to look for... and my threshold of dealing with it has been whittled down to nonexistant... But the hopeful side of me is just going to say that we'll see what happens, and that's enough of that.
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
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Date:December 15th, 2004 06:48 pm (UTC)
when all is said and done, it will only work if the both of you want it to work and work at it. even then, some personalities just weren't meant to be together for long. i wish you the best though. *hugs*
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Date:December 15th, 2004 07:24 pm (UTC)
Relationships are a lot of work. Hard work, at that. I'm not really qualified to offer advice so I guess all I can say is that I hope things work out for the best, whatever that may be... and I hope you do what makes you happy.
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Date:December 16th, 2004 02:53 am (UTC)
I can escape any idea by changing my idea. I'm godlike, that way. How about you?
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Date:December 16th, 2004 09:28 am (UTC)
people "give up" too quickly in relationships... nobody said it would be easy... if you WANT to stay with him then you WILL and find ways to stay together despite differences... talking helps A LOT... talking sanely not yelling mind you ;)... anthony and i have been together almost 5 years now... and it hasn't been easy.. but looking back it's been totally worth it!

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Date:December 18th, 2004 01:21 am (UTC)

No answers, only questions

I have no answers - my last long term relationship was in '75 / '76 when I was a sophomore at Cal. And she was from Japan.

But perhaps I can pose some questions: Where should this relationship be in 12/2005? What may have changed? Who changed, and what did they do / not do? If you and your parter can't ask and answer these questions, then perhaps you need to ask tham now.
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