KuteLuvr (kuteluvr) wrote,

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What would be different this time?

Well... it's been exactly one week now that Austin and have been on our "break". It's been long enough that I've gone through the withdrawls of not having him here and have made it to the point where I start doing my own things again (I went to the gym yesterday and today... for having skipped it for 6 months, that's huge). I do still miss him... but the missing isn't debilitating anymore.

It also gives a chance to look at things with a bit more reality and a bit less emotional impact. I'm not mad anymore about what happened last week... I've gotten to the point where it's just a shoulder shrug of the "what'r ya gonna do" variety. I know he doesn't mean to be who he is... it's simply who he is, and he has to be that way because it's him. (that's actually a lot less confusing than it sounds). We've been talking about every other day... sending each other text messages... still saying "I love you". I like getting the notes and phone calls... as usual, it's nice to get the validation that he's going through the same stuff I am emotionally. Maybe.

The one thing that I can't escape is the idea that, if we do stay together, nothing is going to change. This isn't all precipitated by some single event... no one slept with anyone else... no one got hit... none of that. It's an ongoing thing about differences in personalities and perspectives... behaviors and beliefs. Truth is, it doesn't matter that someone's sorry... that's not going to change the real problem. It all devolves to the idea that nothing is going to change. Sure... we'll go through that short period of time when we're both trying hard to be nice... to do the right things... but as time goes on, that will fade and the old us will come back. Him being obnoxious and selfish... me being judgmental and self righteous. The situation is finished... but the real issues will linger on, despite them being momentarily obscured by extreme amounts of effort. It will all come back... it'll all be the same. People have to be who they are... if they're going to be happy, there really isn't another choice.

So, I'll ask him that exact basic question next time we talk... "What's going to change?". My $5 says we'll give it another attempt, and still break up a short while later. Half of it will be because it was bound to happen... the other half will be because I'll be looking for it. I've seen the pattern... I know what to look for... and my threshold of dealing with it has been whittled down to nonexistant... But the hopeful side of me is just going to say that we'll see what happens, and that's enough of that.
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