You're now older and wiser than you were yesterday, and as such I believe you are prepared to hear a few truths about the world. They may be shocking, but you're an adult now, and it's time you were made aware of some things:
- Babies are not delivered by the stork. Yes, you saw a stork drop off your sister when you were little, but we paid to have that stork drop off your sister because we couldn't handle you finding out the truth of the matter. The truth is that babies come from drinking alcohol. Vodka is particularly effective. Based on this, we've ordered you some birth control pills. And the morning after pill... we know what you did last night.
- Santa Clause is more of an idea than a person. Yes, we drug you out to see him every year at the mall, but that was just a farce. He was a Gayness Instructor, trying to encourage the gayness in you by having a young boy sit on a grown mans lap. The truth is, your parents had no fashion sense, and this was the best way to compensate. Hopefully you don't feel negatively impacted by this, but your parents now do look fabulous... thank you for taking to the instruction so well.
- Stay away from clowns. They are an excuse to make you think that wearing all kinds of makeup is "fun" and push you toward transexuality. We believe their biggest investor is MAC cosmetics, but don't quote us on that. Just keep away, and stay out of your sister's lipstick.
- The absolute, most important thing to remember is that you are one of the Best People® that we know. You're a dedicated friend, loving brother, and kind soul. We don't know where you got all of these good habits (god knows it wasn't from any of us), but we're happy to have you in our lives, and to be allowed to be a part of yours. Your kind of friendship is an example that we aspire for... your internal beauty a light that never diminishes. Thank you for all of the years of happiness, funny jokes, cigarettes on the sidewalk, long talks, singing with the music, Moulin Rouge, JR's, Denny's, car rides, Great America, phone calls, shared frustration, parent-sympathy, pole dances at Faith, being half naked on the dance floor (it's beautiful, every single time).