I've spent the last three weeks lamenting my breakup with Austin... craving for him back... unable to let go. One might argue that not enough time has been allowed to pass since our breakup, and that of course I'd still have heartache. Well... it was too much to take... and my time with daktah_rebekka showed me that I'm undoubtedly to blame for some of the issues between us. I'm a control freak, and I let myself get wrapped up in the negative perspectives of some of his behaviors... at the same time, he has faults too.
I told him tuesday-ish that "I don't think I'm really ready to walk away from us." and that, to be honest, I was paranoid to truly express such things because I just didn't know where he stands. He put on a much stronger face than I was able, to put it mildly. We talked yesterday for a couple of hours on the phone... all the things that got to us... his hatred of my control issues, my hatred of his selfishness, etc. We really just let it all out... total catharsis. The best part was his VERY direct "FUCK YOU!" (I deserved it). I think it was easier for us to get things out when we weren't so invested in it.
So, we've decided to try some more... to see where this goes, again. Most that know me know that I'm not an optimist. I don't say "everything's going to be all right" if I don't really believe it. But I *want* to. I want to believe so much that everything IS going to be all right... that our love will win... that we'll change together... that we'll be able to say when something bothers us more. We need to fight. We need to get things out. We need to have blow-ups. We need to express ourselves. I need to appreciate him for who he is rather than who I think he should be. He needs to... well... to better himself in ways that he believes are good for him. In my eyes, everything IS going to be okay... and ya know what? I do believe it. Fuck "Realism".
I'll say again that I don't know how this is going to work... but I know with absolute certainty that I love him... and that has to mean something. We both had the ability to walk away... we were on the edge... we could have gone back to our lives... we could have not cared about what demands the other person put on us... but we chose each other. How much more proof of "us" should I really need?
(Thank you to jetboyca, doktah_rebecca, Jason, spawrhawk, Elyssa, everyone that's put up with me.)