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A good talking to... - The highs and lows of KuteLuvr

About A good talking to...

Previous Entry A good talking to... Jun. 12th, 2006 @ 09:39 am Next Entry
It's been a while since I've posted anything. I guess "life" is taking a higher priority than documenting life. Most would call that a good thing... but I somehow miss being part of the community of LJ and my friends, so I guess we can all do with that what we will. :P

One of my not-too-distant postings focused on "tricking" and what I wanted from a trick. Well, lets just say I found it. A lot. And keep finding it.

...or did, anyway.

A few weeks ago I got a firm (but minor... no bitching... just expressing, if you will) talking to from one of my roommates about it. He said that, on one hand from a roommate standpoint, it's uncomfortable for him to have people coming and going. On the other hand, from a friend standpoint, he "doesn't know what I'm going through"... but things it's a little... concerning.... and he wasn't the only one in the house that felt that way.

I decided to persue the topic with another roommate, and the primary discussion centered around, if what was going on wasn't okay, what is okay? Is one person a month okay? ...every two weeks? ...once a week? If this is bad, to the point that it deserves mentioning, what is the allowance? What should it be? Where is the line of uncomfortability so that I can play within the rules? How can I be a good, collaborative, understanding, considerate roommate and still live my life the way I feel I should be able to? Where is this line?

The way I see it, there is some level of give and take when you're in a roommate situation. But ultimately, we would all like to be able to live our lives in whatever way or fashion we feel we want to live them... but when you have roommates, there are always considerations and compromises that must be made. But, when you're doing what you want, and someone else doesn't want you to, there has to be some definition... something that says what IS okay, if what's currently going on ISN'T okay.

Ambiguity is never effective, and imposition is rarely acceptable.

In the meantime, I've dramatically toned down (turned off?) the playing with boys, which is a typical response for me... but I'd still like to get laid now and then, and to be perfectly honest, I'm not really planning on building a long, committed, caring, loving relationship, complete with white picket fences, Pottery Barn, 2.3 kids, and a dog. It's going to be people that, on some level or another, I do actually LIKE (though for what reason is very debateable). It's not as though I don't know their name, or have no intention, going in, on never seeing them again. As slutty as I can be, I'm not that kind of slut... but now it's uncomfortable for me.

What's a mature, sexually active, unambiguous boy to do? *sigh*
Current Mood: tiredtired
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From:versacedave
Date:June 12th, 2006 06:18 pm (UTC)
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i don't "trick" around and always go home with my husband (so maybe i don't know what i am talking about because my roommate expects said behavior), but i am personally of the opinion that it is none of your roommates business who you trick with or how often you do it. sure, as friends they should express concern for your behavior if they feel there is cause for concern (what kind of friends would they be if they didn't?), but after they express their concern they need to back off. as far as i would be concerned (if it were me in your position), the only issue to deal with is how to make all parties feel comfortable AND free to do what they want in their own space (i.e., you being able to trick with whomever you want as often as you want and for them not to have to see it). i have thoughts, but that is really something for you to work out with your roommates ... perhaps you might have to let your tricks know is advance that they may have to make a surreptitious exit because of a deal you have worked out with your roommates?

best of luck! roommates can be "tricky" to deal with ... ::groan:: ... and i hope you get past whatever is ailing you.
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From:dwo
Date:June 12th, 2006 06:40 pm (UTC)
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i agree. as long as you're taking care of business in the privacy of your own room, then i don't see why it should be a problem. unless of course they're just jealous because they're not getting any play. :p
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From:kuteluvr
Date:June 12th, 2006 06:52 pm (UTC)
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See comment to above comment :)
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From:kuteluvr
Date:June 12th, 2006 06:52 pm (UTC)
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I agree with both of these perspectives myself, but it's not exactly that simple. See... I mentioned that I'm not "that much of a slut"... granted... maybe I'm weird, but I'm not the type of person that can just say "lets fuck" and trek someone that I don't even really know directly from the front door to my bedroom. There's gotta be something to get the juices flowing... to make me interested... time for things to percolate. This means that things might start with a movie, or hanging out in the hottub... or something else that allows conversation. (One of my proviles even directly says "conversation is foreplay, if that's not good, nothing else is going to happen").

This implies spending some amount of time in the common areas. Does this change your perspective at all?
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From:dwo
Date:June 12th, 2006 06:57 pm (UTC)
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in my opinion, common areas are for entertaining. you pay your portion of the rent and are entitled to utilize them. on the other hand, if you're getting naked in those common areas....then yeah, i can see a potential problem. but i guess when it comes down to it, when living in such a situation, there are boundaries that have to be respected, but those boundaries need to be set and should have been set from the beginning.
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From:kuteluvr
Date:June 12th, 2006 11:02 pm (UTC)
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I won't lie... the minor phase of the making out does tend to start in the family room... but quickly moves to my bedroom when it becomes an over-the-top kind of thing. For the most part, I do try to be as respectful of the fact that's other people's house too as I can be.
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From:dwo
Date:June 13th, 2006 02:54 am (UTC)
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well then, my only suggestion would be, when you feel that urge coming on, move to the bedroom more quickly. ;)
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From:kuteluvr
Date:June 12th, 2006 11:03 pm (UTC)
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This was actually a point the second roommate brought up. He said that the context for the people mattered to him... in that since it's obvious these people are here just for sex, he doesn't know how to address them, or even if he should at all. I told him he should just ignore them and not worry about it, but he said that makes him uncomfortable. I classified that as a "him" issue (and told him so), but I can still sympathize. He said friends are different because he knows that friends are just that... friends... and can be addressed as such.
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From:soundofthemoon
Date:June 12th, 2006 11:33 pm (UTC)
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I can sort of understand where he's coming from. Finding a stranger in your home always takes a bit of adjustment, even if they are there as your housemate's guest/trick/whatever. When I'm at home I like to feel safe and comfortable. I don't want to have to put on my social face all the time. That sort of thing. If I had a roommate who had friends over for dinner every single night, or for tv watching, or something like that, it would have just as much impact on me (probably more) as nightly tricks. That's not saying you should have to change what you're doing. That's the kind of thing you have to work out among your housemates. One thing to consider is that people don't want to intrude on sex, so you enteraining a trick in the common space may be more disruptive than entertaining a friend.
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From:versacedave
Date:June 12th, 2006 07:13 pm (UTC)
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i suppose a conversation elsewhere (a quiet bar, for instance) is too far removed from the bedroom? things cool down too quickly sometimes in the ride home ... but at least then you know you're interested, right? perhaps you need to invest in a TV for your room where you can watch the movie of your choice from the comfort and privacy of your own bed. this has the benefit of being out of sight for your roommates and it gives your juices a chance to get flowing again.
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From:kuteluvr
Date:June 12th, 2006 11:07 pm (UTC)
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There really aren't any bars near the house... and I do generally dislike going to their house (some weird hangup I've built up in recent years about being in an unfamiliar surrounding). Overall, a lot of chit-chat happens, and then there's the context of just "hanging out" together that allows us to be comfortable, and then things happen. Like I said... I have to actually LIKE them in some way... it's casual, but not as casual as one might associate with true "tricking"... and that time just spent hanging out together is actually really nice. :)
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From:timenchanter
Date:June 13th, 2006 12:24 am (UTC)

Tough question

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Look at it this way, you're neither forcing your roomates to get to know strangers nor preventing them from doing so. If they feel comfortable addressing you guests, that should be fine. If they don't, then that should be, too. As for having guests over, whether it's friends or fucks, as long as they're no danger to other housemates or property it's none of their damned business why they're there. Yeah, friends have a right to say what they're thinking about your current behavior, but it doesn't seem like your out of control here. As long as you're not keeping them up with all night with loud sessions every night of the week, I don't see what the problem is.

At the same time, and I don't know if you already are, perhaps you could go back to the trick's place some of the time. That might alleviate the burden on your roomies while giving you the sexual relief that you need.
From:shawath
Date:June 13th, 2006 01:17 am (UTC)
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Random thoughts in no particular order:

It seems like your roommates have two different concerns -

1. As your friend, they may have concerns of possible sexual addiction or other problems manifesting itself in outlandish behaviors.

2. They feel that X number of people live in the house, and that by having a constant parade of new people, the house actually contains X+Y people where Y is always changing yet ever present. Y probably does not contribute to rent or chores, but no doubt contributes to the scuff marks on the floor, the reduced toilet paper volume, and may take up prime couch space. This may lead to resentment of Y that is then transferred to you.

3. The difference between having a friend over for dinner and a trick is that with the former, housemates are generally welcome to participate in the social aspects of the evening (anyone want to play cards?) wherein in the latter, housemates are generally expected to be quasi-invisible (lest your trick be distracted engaging in conversation with them instead of groping you).

4. The discomfort that you feel at going to a stranger's house to trick is likely similar to the discomfort your roomies feel when there is some random guy on their couch.

Just my thoughts.
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From:studlycaps
Date:June 13th, 2006 04:49 am (UTC)
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I'm curious what you mean by "unambiguous" ...
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From:kuteluvr
Date:June 13th, 2006 05:28 am (UTC)
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as in, with what my objective is... you know... sex? :P
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From:studlycaps
Date:June 13th, 2006 05:54 am (UTC)
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Ah, that. Well, it is cheaper than Prada.
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From:qzar_mystik
Date:June 14th, 2006 01:21 am (UTC)
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I don't think it's really a matter of having people over but rather along the lines of them being worried about you. You speak of an undefined "Allowance" and this it seems is not the case, your roomates seem to be more or less on the un-sure of what to do side of the fence, more-or less they have sensed a large number of people coming and going or as I call it the revolving door effect, this is causing alarm to them because it could very well be that they don't really understand what you've been through and they don't understand still your reasoning behind not wanting a relationship right now. It's seeming more and more that they would rather see you with one person, happy that they can get to know so that they feel at ease knowing you are with a good person rather than someone they know nothing about..

ok this was at least somewhat intelligent sounding, I'm going to go attempt at keeping myself awake.


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From:kuteluvr
Date:June 14th, 2006 01:34 am (UTC)
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Well... while there's an element of concern, I don't think that's the primary issue. Sure, we all want the people we care about to find that "special someone"... but not a single one of my friends is even remotely about to tell me (of all people) that that's necessarily what I should be looking for. They know I'll find it when I find it.

It's more the fact that constantly having someone new around puts them on edge. It means they need to pay attention to this person, and they can't just live their lives. Hell, there are times when we don't even pay attention to each other... that's how comfortable we are with each other. But still, my question remains... if I've crossed the line into "too many"... I'm wondering exactly where the line was so that I can still play within the rules while doing what I want.
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From:qzar_mystik
Date:June 14th, 2006 01:37 am (UTC)
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that's what I was addressing in my sleepless rant.. perhaps they are on edge because they don't even know anything about the person, you all don't pay attention to each other and are fine because you all know each other.
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